My (mostly) eHarmony-Free Life

First of all - thanks for the kind letters that a lot of you have sent asking how things have been going for me since I left eHarmony.

To be honest - it's been a challenging transition period for me. But I'm still convinced that it's the right thing to do.

Sadly, I turned to eHarmony because no one in our local community has made any significant effort to bring Jewish singles together to meet. My pre-eHarmony (and occasional during-eH) efforts to get local Jewish organizations to take a more proactive stance have all been pled to deaf ears.

And, after eHarmony? Pretty much the same.

So, since no local organizations are willing to pick up the slack, I've been forced to do it myself.

It's a slow process, but, months later, my group seems to be building some steam. Not a lot - my mailing list only has about 30 people on it - but some.

But, in the end? It's just the right thing to do.

In the Jewish tradition, there's a kabbalistic concept called "Tikkun Olam". To oversimplify, it posits that the messiah isn't present, because the world is broken. And it's our responsibility to do our part to repair the world so that a messiah or messianic age can occur.

Now, whether you believe in mysticism or not - it does seem the right thing to do.

And, maybe, this is one little corner of the world that I can help to fix.

But don't cry for me, folks. I do have a double date this weekend....

PS. The "mostly" part? Okay, I didn't give up cold turkey. But I restricted my geography to the local area. Matches are so slow that I only check in on Free Communication weekends. Two have gone by without matches.

I'm fine with that.

Phase 3 revisited

Yeah, it's been a long "tomorrow". Sorry, folks. Busy life.

Moving on...

Rebuilding Phase 3

Again, I feel like most of the pre-written questions at this phase ARE important.

However, they are intimate. And most people don't like to talk about them until they get to know a person well.

And the answers create barriers, instead of helping couples discover their compatibilities.

Now, a lot of my wiser readers will point out, "People don't NEED to ask picky questions. In fact, eHarmony lets people write their own questions, if they want to."

And, yes, I think that self-written questions should remain an option.

However, when you provide inappropriate pre-first-date questions as your "stock" choices, it encourages people to write questions in a similar fashion.

So, is there a better alternative?

I think there is.

A long time ago, the emails that eHarmony used to notify people that they had a new match available contained some sentences that helped to demonstrate commonalities.

For example, it pointed out that people shared interests in travel. Or movies. Or valued their friendships.

Truth be told, I didn't like these emails that much, and was happy when eHarmony changed them. Alone, this data is too vague to create interest.

But, if they used this data to create question stems that encouraged people to describe things they may have in common... I can see something that might work well.

For example, if both people like travel, eHarmony could suggest stock questions like: "Describe the best vacation you've ever taken". Or, "What is your favorite vacation spot? Why is it your favorite?"

If relationships are important, ask them to describe them. Good questions might include, "Tell me about your best friend." Or, "Tell me about a quality that you and your best friends share."

And when people share interests in movies or books? Encourage people to talk about them.

Remember: The goal of matchmaking is to demonstrate commonalities - not to build walls.